I have managed to ascertain some exclusive information about the negotiations between the Red Sox and Matsuzaka. Here are just some of the incentives the Red Sox are offering to lure Matsuzaka away from the land of the rising sun:

• Matsuzaka’s wife is a T.V. news anchor in Japan. To make the transition for Matsuzaka’s family easier, Television Producer and Red Sox co-owner Tom Werner is promising to use his T.V. connections to get Matsuzaka’s wife the anchor position at CBS news replacing Katie Couric. When Tom Werner was asked how this might affect the relationship he has with his girlfriend Katie Couric, Werner responded by quoting Eazy E and saying “ bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks”
• In honor of Matsuzaka alleged ability to throw a pitch called a gyro ball, Matsuzaka will receive a dollar any time a gyro is sold in the Boston area.
• The Red Sox promise to fire anyone who pronounces Matsuzaka’s name wrong. In addition, WEEI’s Pete Shepard will be fired before Matsuzaka even gets a chance to pitch in Boston for precautionary reasons.
• In order to make Fenway feel like his native Japan, the Red Sox will change the Green Monster, to the pink Hello Kitty monster with a giant Hello Kitty logo on the wall.
• Manny Ramirez will donate portions of his vast Anime Cartoon collections to any children in the Matsuzaka family.
• Theo Epstein and his band Trouser will perform in kimonos when they perform at the up coming Hot Stove Cool Music Concert.
• The Red Sox will give Matsuzaka’s agent Scott Boras 10 jugs filled with blood extracted from live virgin monkeys. (Note: it is a little know fact, but Scott Boras is actually a demon from the outer reaches of hell who must feast on virgin monkey blood to remain on earth.)