This is my running diary of The State of The Union ala Bill Simmons running diaries on sporting events:

9:01 A shot of Lynn Cheney and Laura Bush both looking kinda evil

9:04 We get to play a few minutes of Where in The World Is Campbell Brown hosted by Brian Williams

9:07 Campbell Brown makes a reference to Youtube ( history is already being made tonight folks)

9:08 He’s Alive! He’s Alive! Dick Cheney actually emerges from his bunker to sit behind Bush. Cheney promptly sees his shadow promising 6 more months of war.

9:10 David Gregory’s babbles in that pompous voice of his

9:12 Bush walks in making sure to stop and talk to Black People in an attempt to prove Kanye West wrong

9:13 The first appearance of Bush’s goofy grin of the night

9:15 Bush and Pelosi make nice and Bush acknowledges the historic nature of her position. It should be noted that Pelosi tonight looks less like an alien who had too many Botox injections then she usually does.

9:16 Bush congratulates Democratic Majority

9:19 Bush does a few minutes of economic fluff talk about balancing the budget with out raising taxes. Nothing too new to report.

9:20 The first Obama/Hillary reaction shot. Obama is kinda looking down and Hillary has glassy eyes open too nearly Reche Caldwell levels.

9:22 Bush talks about ways earmarks can be cut. Good ideas that nearly no one would oppose. He is staying very safe so far.

9:32 The last 10 minutes sounded like cliff notes from past State of The Unions about issues like Social Security and Health Care reform

9:33 Bush states part of immigration plan which is very similar to the McCain/Kennedy plan. Republicans do not do a lot of cheering nor do they look very happy.

9:34 Camera pans to director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff who looks kinda undead

9:35 Cheney makes sure to stand up before Pelosi when Bush says we need to “take the fight to the enemy”

9:36 Bush lists attacks against the US and our allies that were stopped in the past few years

9:38 Bush quotes Zarqawi and Bin Laden to illustrate the nature of the terrorist threat. Camera then pans to look at bandaged soldier in the crowd.

9:41 Camera stays on Condi Rice for an awkward 15 seconds where she has a stone faced death stare.

9:42 John McCain looks like his eyes are closed and is falling asleep.

9:44 Bush insists we can still shape the outcome of the battle in Iraq

9:45 Bush lists where we will be sending extra troops and says what Iraqi leaders are going to do to help secure there own country.  (Bush trusts Maliki way too much)

9:48 Bush says nothing more important then to succeed in Iraq. Note: Cheney stands for that comment and Pelosi does not

9:50 Bush talks about N. Korea and Iran. Nothing really new policy wise.

9:54 Bush talks about helping Darfur and gets a bipartisan standing O.

9:56 Anyone need a shot blocker and some great low post moves? Dikembe Mutombo is in the house and is praised for his work to help people in Africa and in becoming a U.S. citizen. I really hope someone interviews Mutombo later because he has the coolest voice ever.

9:58 Bush now randomly praises the lady who started the Baby Einstein Company as an example of the country’s entrepreneurial spirit.

10:00 Wesley Autry aka the guy who jumped under a NY Subway Car to save a women is also in the house and is praised as an example of American Selflessness. Autry, deservingly soaks in the lime light and gives a lot of finger points and the thumbs up.

10:01 Bush gives some props to Sergeant Tommy Riemann for his heroism in Iraq that earned him a silver star.

10:02 Bush praises Jack Bauer for his courage in repeatedly stopping attacks on the country and not cracking under Chinese torture. (o.k. I made that last one up but the others were all true)

10:04 Speech is over: Brian Williams gives out the Stats. 49 minute long speech with 62 applause breaks.

10:10 Bush leaves chamber starting countdown to Democrats response

10:11 First commercial break is for some sort of septic tank cleaning product. That is funny stuff considering all the shit that is going to flowing from politician’s mouths tonight.

10:12 Brian Williams accidentally refers to Democrat James Webb as Republican James Webb.

10:14 Williams informs us that Webb allegedly wrote his own speech. This is most likely bullshit.

10:15 Webb proclaims that he hopes Bush is serious about his domestic agenda

10:16 Webb says he looks forward to working with Bush to have energy independence

10:17 Classic economic populism from Webb. Talks about middle class “losing place at the table” and the recently passed minimum wage hike.

10:19 Webb says war has been mismanaged for 4 years.

10:20 Webb goes the Carrot Top route and brings out a prop: A picture of his dad in uniform to illustrate the Webb’s family military service before making a point about Iraq. (Webb’s son is in Iraq and Webb and his brother where in Vietnam.)

10:21 Webb lists Bush Iraq foibles.

10:22 Democratic Iraq position stated by Webb not strong enough and too vague.

10:23 Webb has stronger closing statement. “

As I look at Iraq, I recall the words of former general and soon-to-be President Dwight Eisenhower during the dark days of the Korean War, which had fallen into a bloody stalemate. “When comes the end?” asked the General who had commanded our forces in Europe during World War Two. And as soon as he became President, he brought the Korean War to an end. These Presidents took the right kind of action, for the benefit of the American people and for the health of our relations around the world. Tonight we are calling on this President to take similar action, in both areas. If he does, we will join him. If he does not, we will be showing him the way.” Lets Just hope the Dems have the balls to act as tough as that statement.

10:25 Lindsay Graham comes on the T.V. and says the Democrats should not bother with non binding resolutions. He says the Dems should either fund the troop surge or cut funding for the war. You may never hear me say this again, but I completely agree with Lindsay Graham. Fuck non-binding resolutions. Cut the funding for the war if you have any balls Democrats.

10:26 Hillary comes on the screen and talks about phased redeployment of troops and putting more pressure on Iraq government.

10:27 Cut back to Brian Williams who points out to the American people that there was no reference to Katrina in the speech. (Somewhere Kanye West is screaming “see, I told you so.”