20 Predictions For 2009
1. When he is unable to acquire any big bats for the Sox, Theo Epstein will drunk dial Manny Ramirez. Initially Manny will ignore his call, but as the night wears on and still no other teams call for him, Manny will call Theo back and they will agree to meet up at the Cask N Flagon. After more heavy drinking, Manny will head back to Theo’s place where Manny will sign a 1 year 20 million dollar contract. Slightly embarrassed for going back to Boston, Manny franticly stumbles out of Theo’s apartment 6am the next while borrowing Theo’s gorilla suit so he is not recognized.
2. On January 7 Former Presidents Carter, Bush (41), Clinton, Current President Bush, and President Elect Obama will have a historic meeting. Soon after they will announce the formation of a boy band called Prez. Bush (43) will be the bad boy who can’t lay off of the booze and coke that eventually admits that he is gay, while Clinton will be the competing bad boy whose vice is overweight women. Obama is the black guy in the group for added flava, but who is not too black that he scares off the primarily white fan base. Bush (41) will the reassuring older brother type and Carter will be the guy that is just happy to be included in the group. Their first single called “Don’t Veto My Love 4 U” will be a big hit on pop radio. Scandal will hit the group though when they leave their first manager Karl Rove after it turns out he is stealing all of their money.
3. After receiving 50 million in bail out money, the big three automakers vow to design the car of the future. A few months later they hold a press conference to unveil the car they created using all the bail out money; the design is an exact replica of the car Homer designed for Uncle Herb. (Season 2 Episode 15 2/21/91)
4. With The Boston Bruins minutes away from winning their first Stanley Cup since 1972, owner Jeremy Jacobs decides to shut all the power at the TD Bank North Garden. Because of Jacobs actions, the Bruins are forced to forfeit the game and the Cup to Joe Thornton and The San Jose Sharks. When later asked why he did that, Jacobs answered “well I thought I could save a few bucks on electricity costs. Plus I already got all the ticket and concession stand revenue I was going to get, so I saw no need for the season to continue.”
5. Following failing to give coherent responses in interviews, Caroline Kennedy gives into pressure and drops out of the race to be appointed senator from New York. NY Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is then given the senate seat. Cuomo later states “that having Caroline Kennedy get the seat would have increased the perception of nepotism in politics.” He later added, “that is just not my opinion my dad former Governor Mario Cuomo and my ex wife Kerry Kennedy agree with me.” After watching Caroline Kennedy fail to articulate knowledge of the world, John McCain announces that he is considering her as his V.P. when he runs in 2012.
6. Sean Penn wins best actor at the Oscar for his performance in the movie Milk. While giving his acceptance speech, the lights will go out and heavy metal music will start blaring from the speakers. Suddenly, fireworks come shooting out of the side of the stage as fellow best actor nominee for the movie The Wrestler Mickey Rourke comes charging up to the stage and clothes lines Penn and grabs the Oscar.
7. Fox’s new series Dollhouse starring Watertown Home Girl Eliza Dushku and written by Buffy scribe Josh Whedon, will debut to rave critics reviews and big internet buzz. It will subsequently get canceled after 3 episodes when it registers a consistent 2.3 Nielsen rating.
8. Having failed to help the Detroit automakers, Obama vows to bail out the Detroit Lions. In order to stimulate job creation in Detroit which now has over a fifty percent unemployment rate, Obama puts a contingency on the bailout money for the lions that stipulates that all players and coaching personal of the Lions must be currently unemployed citizens of Detroit. Lions fans initially bristle against this situation, until they realize that even with amateur players and coaches it can’t be any worse then last year.
9. With The Boston Globe now valued by Barclay’s at about 15 million dollars and up for sale, Curt Schilling seizes on the opportunity to further his writing career and buys the once might paper and renames it 38 Pages.
10. Yankees GM Brian Cashman is fired after all 3 of his big agent signing go bust: A.J. Burnett hurts his elbow while signing his first check, C.C. Sabathia chokes during his first start (literally he was trying to swallow an entire Big Kahuna Burger on the mound, and Mark Teixeira gets herpes after sharing lip gloss with Alex Rodriguez after he had gone down on Madonna the night before.
11. Eight time Gold Medal Winner Michael Phelps is asked to go back to 2008 and stay there.
12. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will hold a press conference announcing that he has pardoned himself for all past and future crimes adding “what you gonna do now motherfuckers?”
13. In order to restart his once promising career, sing Clay Aiken releases a controversial new single called “I Kissed A Girl”
14. Barack Obama proclaims that his long time supporter Scarlett Johansson will be part of the package used to stimulate the country.
15. In a change of pace role, Michael Cera plays an awkward but nice guy with dead pan wit that ends up hooking up with a hot girl. (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Early=Frontrunner for best pic of 09)
16. The country of China trying to build off of the impressive displays at the opening ceremony of the Olympics, decides to send a man to Mars. Rapper Lil Wayne while high on Sizzurp (Promethazine, codeine, and sprite) volunteers to lead the mission in order to prove all his Martian talk on Tha Carter 3 was for real.
17. Male and Female Indie Kids all around the country weep uncontrollably after their dreams of the perfect mate get dashed when Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard get married
18. Former President George W Bush starts world wide shoe dodging League with Multadhar Al-Zeidi. The League becomes the first thing that Bush ran that was a success.
19. Dick Cheney goes deeper into hiding after creating his 7th Horcrux, but begins secretly training JEB as his Sith Apprentice.
20. Barack Obama delivers on his promise to bring change to the country by driving around the nations while flinging pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters out the window.
2. On January 7 Former Presidents Carter, Bush (41), Clinton, Current President Bush, and President Elect Obama will have a historic meeting. Soon after they will announce the formation of a boy band called Prez. Bush (43) will be the bad boy who can’t lay off of the booze and coke that eventually admits that he is gay, while Clinton will be the competing bad boy whose vice is overweight women. Obama is the black guy in the group for added flava, but who is not too black that he scares off the primarily white fan base. Bush (41) will the reassuring older brother type and Carter will be the guy that is just happy to be included in the group. Their first single called “Don’t Veto My Love 4 U” will be a big hit on pop radio. Scandal will hit the group though when they leave their first manager Karl Rove after it turns out he is stealing all of their money.
3. After receiving 50 million in bail out money, the big three automakers vow to design the car of the future. A few months later they hold a press conference to unveil the car they created using all the bail out money; the design is an exact replica of the car Homer designed for Uncle Herb. (Season 2 Episode 15 2/21/91)
4. With The Boston Bruins minutes away from winning their first Stanley Cup since 1972, owner Jeremy Jacobs decides to shut all the power at the TD Bank North Garden. Because of Jacobs actions, the Bruins are forced to forfeit the game and the Cup to Joe Thornton and The San Jose Sharks. When later asked why he did that, Jacobs answered “well I thought I could save a few bucks on electricity costs. Plus I already got all the ticket and concession stand revenue I was going to get, so I saw no need for the season to continue.”
5. Following failing to give coherent responses in interviews, Caroline Kennedy gives into pressure and drops out of the race to be appointed senator from New York. NY Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is then given the senate seat. Cuomo later states “that having Caroline Kennedy get the seat would have increased the perception of nepotism in politics.” He later added, “that is just not my opinion my dad former Governor Mario Cuomo and my ex wife Kerry Kennedy agree with me.” After watching Caroline Kennedy fail to articulate knowledge of the world, John McCain announces that he is considering her as his V.P. when he runs in 2012.
6. Sean Penn wins best actor at the Oscar for his performance in the movie Milk. While giving his acceptance speech, the lights will go out and heavy metal music will start blaring from the speakers. Suddenly, fireworks come shooting out of the side of the stage as fellow best actor nominee for the movie The Wrestler Mickey Rourke comes charging up to the stage and clothes lines Penn and grabs the Oscar.
7. Fox’s new series Dollhouse starring Watertown Home Girl Eliza Dushku and written by Buffy scribe Josh Whedon, will debut to rave critics reviews and big internet buzz. It will subsequently get canceled after 3 episodes when it registers a consistent 2.3 Nielsen rating.
8. Having failed to help the Detroit automakers, Obama vows to bail out the Detroit Lions. In order to stimulate job creation in Detroit which now has over a fifty percent unemployment rate, Obama puts a contingency on the bailout money for the lions that stipulates that all players and coaching personal of the Lions must be currently unemployed citizens of Detroit. Lions fans initially bristle against this situation, until they realize that even with amateur players and coaches it can’t be any worse then last year.
9. With The Boston Globe now valued by Barclay’s at about 15 million dollars and up for sale, Curt Schilling seizes on the opportunity to further his writing career and buys the once might paper and renames it 38 Pages.
10. Yankees GM Brian Cashman is fired after all 3 of his big agent signing go bust: A.J. Burnett hurts his elbow while signing his first check, C.C. Sabathia chokes during his first start (literally he was trying to swallow an entire Big Kahuna Burger on the mound, and Mark Teixeira gets herpes after sharing lip gloss with Alex Rodriguez after he had gone down on Madonna the night before.
11. Eight time Gold Medal Winner Michael Phelps is asked to go back to 2008 and stay there.
12. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will hold a press conference announcing that he has pardoned himself for all past and future crimes adding “what you gonna do now motherfuckers?”
13. In order to restart his once promising career, sing Clay Aiken releases a controversial new single called “I Kissed A Girl”
14. Barack Obama proclaims that his long time supporter Scarlett Johansson will be part of the package used to stimulate the country.
15. In a change of pace role, Michael Cera plays an awkward but nice guy with dead pan wit that ends up hooking up with a hot girl. (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Early=Frontrunner for best pic of 09)
16. The country of China trying to build off of the impressive displays at the opening ceremony of the Olympics, decides to send a man to Mars. Rapper Lil Wayne while high on Sizzurp (Promethazine, codeine, and sprite) volunteers to lead the mission in order to prove all his Martian talk on Tha Carter 3 was for real.
17. Male and Female Indie Kids all around the country weep uncontrollably after their dreams of the perfect mate get dashed when Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard get married
18. Former President George W Bush starts world wide shoe dodging League with Multadhar Al-Zeidi. The League becomes the first thing that Bush ran that was a success.
19. Dick Cheney goes deeper into hiding after creating his 7th Horcrux, but begins secretly training JEB as his Sith Apprentice.
20. Barack Obama delivers on his promise to bring change to the country by driving around the nations while flinging pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters out the window.
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