1. The swine flu epidemic will wane in importance in 2010, but will quickly be replaced by the indie flu. The indie flu will have symptoms of high fever and cause many to miss work and school and will be particularly acute for people between the ages of 15-30 who live in or near big cities and college towns. Scientist will find that the cause of the indie flu was the release of albums by uber-indie-megastar bands Vampire Weekend, Beach House, Arcade Fire, She & Him, LCD Soundsystems, and MGMT in quick succession during the first quarter of 2010. Further symptoms of indie flu include the non-stop blogging and the inability to speak in anything other than the overwrought parlance of pitchfork.com reviewers. The flu will mutate in strain later in the year and hit comic kids harder upon the movie release of Kick Ass & Hit Girl and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

2. Due to the apathy about the Winter Olympics which are on NBC and the continued abysmal ratings for that network, NBC’s CEO Jeff Zucker hires Jon Gosselin to hit American figure skating gold medal hopeful Alissa Czisny in the knee with a pipe a couple of weeks before the Winter Olympics begin.

3. Some quick hits of NFL Predictions: Some point in the playoffs, Brett Favre will throw a pick six interception to lose the Vikings a game (most likely against the Packers). The Eagles will make it to the NFC Championship game, but will lose in overtime after Coach Andy Reid and Quarterback Donavon Mcnabb both go home at the end of regulation. When later reached for comment, they both state that they thought the game had ended in a tie so they left. At some point the camera will pain to the Chargers sidelines to the image of Philip Rivers and Ladainian Tomlinson crying. The Patriots will face The Colts at some point and Bill Belichick will go for it on 4^th down and the Patriots will not get it again; fortunately for the Patriots, soon after  Colts coach Jim Caldwell will rest all his starters allowing the Patriots to come back and win the game.

4. Immigration reform will become the new health care reform. A bill will be debated endlessly in Congress and one will be eventually passes. Obama’s liberal base will say that Obama betrayed his ideals and did not go far enough in the bill and Conservatives will say the bill is the equivalent of Obama digging up the graves of all the founding fathers and personally spitting in their faces.

5.  Theo Epstein is suspended by Major League Baseball after it is revealed that he tried to blackmail former assistant and current San Diego Padres GM Jed Hoyer into trading Adrian Gonzalez to the Red Sox by releasing drunken video of Hoyer stumbling around Lansdowne trying to pick up girls by telling them he knows Jacoby Ellsbury.  

6. Tiger Woods returns to golf at the Masters and proceeds to win that and the grand slam (it is the Chinese year of the Tiger after all); during that time her embraces his inner id and travels around tournaments with a harem of porn stars, models, cocktail waitresses, strippers, and many of the wives of other players on tour who he admits to also having fucked.

7.  The world will flock to South Africa for the 2010 World Cup; while there, reporters will interview Morgan Freeman and ask him how he dealt with being in a South African prison for 27 years. In addition, the United States pulls off the upset and wins the World Cup; conservatives blame the victory on Obama and just another example of how he is undermining traditional American values like not giving a shit about soccer.

8.  Protests intensify and eventually Mahmoud Admadinejad falls from power; however, he makes a surprising comeback on by winning Iranian Idol with his un-ironic  cover of Coldplay’s Viva La Vida.  Link to lyrics in case you don’t know them: http://www.metrolyrics.com/viva-la-vida-lyrics-coldplay.html

9. LeBron James and Dwayne Wade announce at the end of the season that they have formed a pact and will together sign as series of one year contracts  on the same team for the rest of their careers and will change which team they are on each year; the subsequent Bill Simmons column about this announcement will be 108,341 words long.

10. Steve Jobs will unveil his latest genius product, the iFuck.

11. As overhyped rapper Drake nears his official album release date, he gets challenged in a battle (most likely by Faboulous) and at some point in the battle a Drake’s Cupcake reference will be made. Speaking rap battles Nas and Jay Z will rekindle their old beef after Nas points out that his song NY State of Mind is a lot better that Jay Z’s recent megahit Empire State of Mind but mostly because Nas realizes he has to do something to get more money in order to pay the exorbitant spousal support to his ex wife Kelis who ironically will have a bigger hit this year with her song Acappala.

12. Scientologists will proclaim that Suri Cruise is the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard and was created by the Thetans. A subsequent religious war erupts when Joshua Jackson and James Vanderbeek kid nap and attempt to deprogram Suri and Katie

13.  Lady Gaga will wear the same white t-shirt and jeans combo every single day of the year

14. Jk Rowling and Stephenie Meyer will collaborate on a book/movie staring Robert Parttinson reprising his role as Cedrick Diggory; only it is revealed that after Voldemort killed Cedrick Diggory in the grave yard, Cedrick came back as a vampire and is hell bent on killing Harry Potter who he blames for his death

15. Saved by the Bell nostalgia gets replaced by Boy Meets World nostalgia

16. Due to the constant breakdown of trains, the T will suspended subway operations, but open up the tunnels for people to walk or bike.

17. After the release of Wall Street 2, Shia LaBeouf signs on to star in updates the movies Back To The Future and Wargames. Labeouf is quoted as saying “I’ve been in updates of Transformers, Indiana Jones, and Wall Street and being in these movies will help me achieve my goal of ruining everything that people remember fondly from the 1980s.”

18. Nintendo  will release a highly successful bike simulator game for the Wii. Despite, the bike for the game being stationary, over cautious parents will force their children to wear helmets while riding it.

19. Glenn Beck will resort to “cutting” on air to express the pain that he feels because of the Obama and the Democrats policies.

20. A rush of candidates will announce their candidacy for Presidency the day after the mid-term elections are over.